(Tune: Home on the Range)

Oh give me a home where the pets never roam
Where the people all neuter and spay
Where the feathered and furred always hear a kind word
And the shelters are empty all day!!!

 

Coming soon to a record store near you.... or not...

Neuteress of the Night

With apologies to John & Yoko
(Tune: Ballad of John & Yoko)

Worked the early shift at the shelter
Fifty critters locked in a pen
The man on his Mac
Says we're fast losing track
You know it must be summer again

Christ you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can get
Why don't everybody
Spay and neuter their pets

CHOP! In the name of love
Before he humps your leg

Baby baby I'm aware of where your dog goes
When you open up that door
I watch him walk down the street
Looking for a bitch in heat
Next time before he runs to her
You ought to snip that cur

Neuter Rover
Don't you really think you should
Neuter Rover
All the neighbors wish you would

Chop! In the name of love
Before he humps your leg
Chop! In the name of love
Before he humps your leg
Neuter Rover

I know that he's been getting out at night
I know that he's been getting into fights
And next time he gets an erection
You'll be the object of his affection
Stop being such a chump
Before he starts to hump

Neuter Rover
Don't you really think you should
Neuter Rover
All the neighbors wish you would

Chop! In the name of love
Before he humps your leg
Chop! In the name of love
Before he humps your leg
Neuter Rover

I've tried so hard, hard to convince
But all you do is wince
And every time we are together
He thinks he's gonna love my leg forever

Chop! In the name of love
Before he humps your leg
Neuter Rover

With apologies to The Rolling Stones
(Tune: Ruby Tuesday)

We could never say just where he'd gone
We just shook our heads, said "He's a tom,"
Fighting all the time
Vet bills piling up
What do we do
Our vet came through

He gets neutered Tuesday
Just one little snip, that's that
No more roaming, no more fighting
Now he'll be a house cat

See him in the window so serene
Now we know exactly where he's been
No more sleepless nights
Wondering if he's
Been in a fight
Now it's all right

He got neutered Tuesday
Just a little snip, that's that
No more roaming, no more fighting
Healthy, happy house cat

With apologies to The Rolling Stones
(Tune: Beast of Burden)

Don't wanna be your beast of breedin'
I'm yours for snugglin', I'm yours for feeding
So neuter, neuter, neuter, neuter me

Don't wanna be your beast of breedin'
Another litter, the world ain't needin'
So neuter, neuter, neuter, neuter me

With apologies to AC/DC
(Tune: I've Got Big Balls)

My balls have gained me so much notoriety
They've made me unfit for polite society
I'm always humping something, on your leg or on your pet
Why doesn't someone wise up and take me to the vet?

My humans say it's such a nasty habit
I'll hump the couch and then I'll hump the rabbit!
My balls got me in trouble, they were such a randy set,
But then my humans wised up and took me to the vet

Now I have no balls, no I have no balls
No more big balls, randy big balls
And he has no balls, and she has no balls
And after the vet I had no balls at all!

And now I'm such a sweet and loving doggie
No longer do I want to play leapfroggie
My humans are delighted that I'm such a perfect pet
Thank God those dummies wised up and took me to the vet!

Now I have no balls, no I have no balls
No more big balls, randy big balls
And he has no balls, and she has no balls
And after the vet I had no balls at all!

With apologies to Queen
(Tune: Another One Bites the Dust)

Early morning at the vet's
The team is ready to go
And everybody's brought their pets
If they are in the know

Are you ready for the Neuterthon
We're doing the boys today
But -- don't you worry none --
Next week we spay!

Bada Boom Boom Boom
Another one lost his nuts
Bada Boom Boom Boom
Another one lost his nuts
And we neutered one more, and we neutered one more
Another one lost his nuts
Hey, we're gonna get you too
Another one lost his nuts!

With apologies to Ike and Tina
(Tune: Proud Mary)

Left a good job at the shelter
Litter after litter night and day
And I never got a minute of sleep, no
Thinkin' there must be a better way

We've got to tutor
Everyone to spay and neuter
Neuter, Neuter
Got to spay and neuter!

Seen a lot of strays in your town
Lots of feral cats livin' everywhere
So we gotta hurry
Got to save the furry
Just a little snip will show we care

We've got to tutor
Everyone to spay and neuter
Neuter, Neuter
Got to spay and neuter!

And for the folks who think I do too many neuter songs and not enough spay.....

(Tune: Do You Know the Way to San Jose)

You should take your cat and have her spayed
She will be pregnant soon
Under the moon she will get laid

If you take your cat and have her spayed
She won't have kittens on
That antique quilt that Grandma made

Summer is around the corner
When the tomcats gather on your lawn
Spray your bushes, scream and fight till dawn
But it doesn't have to be that way

Just take your pet
Down to the vet
And say it's time to have her spayed...

With apologies to Janis Joplin
(Tune: Piece of My Heart)

Didn't I make you feel like you wanna hold me
And didn't I give you all the love that a sweet pet possibly can?
But each time I think my mothering days are at an end
Well, summer comes around, and I get knocked up again

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and
SPAY ME!!
Just a couple of stitches and no more babies
SPAY ME!!
It's a surgery done from the heart, from the heart, yeah

I'm out and in heat - that's not good,
And momma, deep down in your heart, you know it ain't right
But each time I tell myself that I'll finally get some rest
I drop another litter, and there's babies at my breast

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and
SPAY ME!!
Just a couple of stitches and no more babies
SPAY ME!!
It's a surgery done from the heart, from the heart, yeah

You won't get your dog neutered, babe
And your reasoning's all wrong
But I want to set you straight, my love,
And that's why I wrote this song
He won't miss balls that he ain't got no more

And it ain't you, babe
No no no, it ain't you, babe
It ain't you that vet's comin' for, babe

I know that you identify
With his horny hound dog ways
And you both have got a roving eye
And that's always been the case
You've got two balls, what do you need with four?

So get a grip, babe
Yeah yeah yeah, get a grip, babe
It ain't you that vet's gonna snip, babe

He'll still be the protector
Of his home and family
But he won't be causing dogfights
Or unwanted pregnancy
So pick yourself up off the kitchen floor

Cause it ain't you, babe
No no no, it's the dog, babe
It's the dog that vet's comin' for, babe

You're just as much a man, my love
Though your dog ain't got no nuts
So stop standing in the doorway
And quit being such a putz
We're neutering a dog and nothing more

And it ain't you, babe
No no no, it ain't you, babe
It ain't you that vet's comin' for, babe

Get your ass away from the door, babe

Buddy you're a big man, strong man
Think that breeding dogs gonna make you rich someday
You got blood on your face, you big disgrace
Selling those puppies all over the place

Spay and, spay and NEUTER
Spay and, spay and NEUTER

Sister you're a kind one, blind one
Feeding all those cats like you do, but you never spay
You got blood on your face, you big disgrace
Little wild kittens all over the place

Spay and, spay and NEUTER
EVERYBODY
Spay and, spay and NEUTER

I've paid my dues
Time after time
Seen those on Death Row
Who've committed no crime
But it ain't about rescue
That's just a part
We gotta nip it in the bud in the place where we know it all starts!

Come on, come on, come on, come on

Please spay and neuter, my friend
And we'll stop the killing in the end
We've got to hurry, too many furries
Please spay and neuter, there's not enough homes
For them all

I fed my feral colony just last night
Saw a few new faces and I smiled
And I trapped them and I fixed them
And I notched them on the ears
Still spaying after all these years

I’m not the kind of woman likes to preach at folks
To do what common sense says is the way
So I feed them and I fix them
And I love them through my tears
Still spaying after all these years

Four in the morning
Dumpsters yawning
Coaxing a brand new stray
I do the right thing
Every night thing
Sometimes I even pray

Now I open my trunk
Loading bags of food
Maybe I’ll trap that mom today
And I know I’d be applauded
By a jury of my peers
Still spaying after all these years