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Just Fur Fun: Dog Humor

 
     
 
 
In the Beginning....
 
On the first day of creation, God created dog.
 
On the second day of creation, God created man to serve the dog.
 
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the dog.
 
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
 
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
 
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
 
On the seventh day, God tried to rest... but he had to walk the dog.
 
 
 
A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
 
A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it as directed and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.
 
Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it as she did to the dog. Amazingly it also works on the husband. The woman sleeps very soundly.
 
The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's scrotum. 
 
He looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place!"
 
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
 
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.  They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.
 
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
 
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
 
"Well," they said, "Let's try this out."
 
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
 
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
 
 
Newspaper Ads
 
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
 
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
 
Great Dames for sale.
 
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
 
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
 
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
 
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
 
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
 
 
A little girl was walking through the park when she saw three dogs lying by the pathway. Being an animal lover, she approached the dogs and proceeded to pet one of the dogs on the head.
 
She said to the dog, "How are you? Are you happy? I wish you could tell me your name."
 
The dog suddenly spoke up, "My name is Moe and I had a great day going in and out of puddles."
 
The girl was amazed and said, "You can talk?! Do your friends talk too?"
 
The second dog also spoke up, "My name is Larry and I had a great day going in and out of puddles."
 
The girl was pleasantly surprised to hear two dogs speaking to her so she approached the third dog and said, "Now let me guess - your name is Curly and you had a great day going in and out of puddles?"
 
"No," the third dog said. "My name is Puddles and I had a lousy day."
 
Dog Haiku
I love my master; 
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
 
I lie belly-up 
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be
 
Today I sniffed 
Many dog assholes-I celebrate
By kissing your face.
 
I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
 
I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
 
I sound the alarm!
Meter reader-come to kill all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
 
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
 
I sound the alarm!
Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
 
I lift my leg and 
whiz on each bush . Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep
 
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as 
my hairs on the rug.
 
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have made a puddle
 
I Hate my choke chain-
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
 
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -no greater bliss-well,
Maybe catching rats
 
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do
 
The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls
 
Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.
 
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
 
You may call them fleas,
But they are far more -I call
Them a vocation
 
My owners' mood is
Romantic-I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.
 
There's a guy with a Great Dane and a guy with a Chihuahua.
 
The guy with the Great Dane says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
 
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
 
The guy with the Great Dane says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Great Dane puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
 
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mack, no pets allowed."
 
The guy with the Great Dane says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
 
The guy at the door says, "A Great Dane?"
 
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
 
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
 
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
 
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
 
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
 
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
 
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
 
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
 
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your
stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
 
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff. Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.  Everyone agreed that was good.
 
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
 
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Comp and went home for the
rest of the day on sick leave.
 
A sad Basset Hound was telling his troubles to his friend.
"I'm depressed. I think negative thoughts. I'm always
bored and always tired."
 
"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.
 
"Well, I would," said the Basset Hound, "except that I'm
not allowed on the couch."
 
 
The Puppy
 
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies for Sale".
 
Such signs have a way of attracting children. Soon a little boy appeared at the sign and asked, "How much are you gonna sell those puppies for?"
 
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30-$50."
 
The little boy reached into his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37, can I look at them?"
 
The store owner smiled and whistled. Out of the kennel came his dog named Lady, running down the aisle of his store, followed by five little puppies.
 
One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy. He asked "What's wrong with that little dog?"
 
The man explained that when the puppy was born the vet said that this puppy had a bad hip socket and would limp for the rest of his life.
 
The little boy got really excited and said, "That's the puppy I want to buy!"
 
The man replied "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll give him to you."
 
The little boy got upset. He looked straight into the man's eyes and said "I don't want you to give him to me. He's worth every bit as much as the other dogs and I'll pay the full price. In fact I'll give you $2.37 now and 50 cents every month until I have him paid for."
 
The man countered, "You really don't want to buy this puppy son. He's never gonna be able to run, jump and play like other puppies."
 
The little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the man and said, "Well, I don't run so well myself and the little puppy will need someone who understands."
 
The man was now biting his bottom lip. Tears welled up in his eyes.  He smiled and said, "Son, I hope and pray that each and every one of these puppies will have an owner such as you."
 
NEW BREEDS OF DOGS
 
The following breeds are now being
considered for recognition by the AKC:
 
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
 
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
 
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
 
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
 
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
 
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
 
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
 
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
 
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
 
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
 
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway
 
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
 
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
 
Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu
Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed
 
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
 
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."   Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
 
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. 
 
"Whew", says the leopard.  "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
 
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.  So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great
speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
 
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
 
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
 
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
 
The leopard ate the monkey.
 
Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
 
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs understand that flatulence is funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
 
Why Dogs Are Better Than Men
 
A dog won't leave the toilet seat up - and if he dribbles on it, you know it’s only water.
A dog will never complain about your cooking, will eat anything you serve him, and will never tell you that his mother was a better cook.
A dog loves when your family and friends come over.
A dog will not threaten to leave you if you pet another dog, he’ll just sniff you all over and be glad you came home to him.
A dog will always listen to your problems.
A dog will never hog the remote control.
A dog will never ignore you to watch sports on TV.
A dog will love you even when you have PMS.
A dog will never make nasty remarks about your cooking, your housekeeping, your family, or your friends.
A dog will never smoke cigars and stink up your house.
A dog will love you the same whether you look like Madonna or Medusa.
A dog won’t get an attitude if you make more money than he does.
A dog will always be happy to see you when you come home.
Your dog will always love you best, even if he does occasionally sniff other people’s crotches.
A dog will never get drunk and embarrass you in front of your friends and family.
A dog will never buy anything expensive without your permission.
A dog will never leave you for a younger, prettier human.
A dog will never read your favorite part of the Sunday paper first.
A dog will always help clean up when your kids drop food on the floor.
A dog will lick your face when you cry at sad movies.
A dog will never say that he thinks you look fat.  Dogs don't care.
A dog will never call and interrupt you at work.
A dog will never show up late for dinner because he stopped for a drink with his friends.
If you’re responsible, you’ll always know where your dog has been.
 
     
 

 
 
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