<title>FurryFolks.com: Just Fur Fun: Cat Humor

Just Fur Fun: Cat Humor

The End of the Raven
-- by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat

On a night quite unenchanting,
When the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting
of the man I catch mice for.

Tipsy and a bit unshaven,
In a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven
perched above the chamber door.

"Raven's very tasty," thought I,
as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
"There is nothing I like more."

Soft upon the rug I treaded,
Calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded
Bust of Pallas I deplore.

While the bard and birdie chattered,
I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered,
As I crossed the corridor;

For his house is crammed with trinkets,
Curios and weird decor
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.

Still the Raven never fluttered,
Standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered,
His two cents' worth --"Nevermore."

While this dirge the birdbrain kept up,
Huh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly leapt up,
pouncing on the feathered bore.

Soon he was a heap of plumage,
And a little blood and gore -
Only this and not much more.

"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out,
"Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout
Talking to a bird before;

How I've wallowed in self-pity,
While my gallant, valiant kitty
Put an end to that damned ditty"
Then I heard him start to snore.

Back atop the door I clambered,
Eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.


Cat's Diary
DAY 752--My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761--Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762--Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765--Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm must try this with their baby...
DAY 768 -- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 -- There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 -- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...


You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
Elevator butt.
I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!
The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere
Will find in morning
Grace personified,
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.
Night. Now come night-mice.
I chase them 'round on loud feet.
You can't see them too?
Blur of motion, then --
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds --
Your foot just squashed one
You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
Sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.
Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?
Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner
Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake dead.
I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, shit! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp ...
Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"
Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink.
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?


Kitty Heaven
A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you desire, all you have to do is ask."
"Well," the cat says, "I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hard wooden floors."
"Say no more," says God, and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat.
"All our lives," the mice say, "we've had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms, have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more."
God says he can take care of it, and instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
A week later, God checks in on the cat, who is asleep on his pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
"Never been happier," says the cat, stretching and yawning. "And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are great!"

Cat Commandments
Thou shalt not use human leg as scratching post.
Thou shalt not use new sofa as scratching post.
Thou shalt not leave gifts of dead mice or hairballs on the bed.
Thou shalt not use human's favorite plant for personal litter box.
Thou shalt not "mark" human's favorite shoes as thine own territory.
Thou shalt not leave pawprints on the newly waxed car.
Thou shalt not use fine lace curtains as kitty swing set.
Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou art not transparent.
Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.
Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.
Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

Washing Your Cat
Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).
Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a variety of odors... from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember... your dog will try to eat anything.)
Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question. So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.
Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you .... you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
1. First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welder's gloves.
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area beforehand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire... the cat barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
13. In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.


How to give a cat a pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.


Signs That Your Cat is Too Fat
* Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
* Confused guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.
* Always lands on her spleen.
* Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
* No longer cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
* Cat food dish replaced with a trough.
* Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.
* It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
* Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
* She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull.
* Has more chins than lives.

Feline Physics

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really
good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
Dark cat hairs will be attracted to light fabric only,
conversely light cat hairs will be attracted to only to dark
fabric. The strength of this attraction is directly
proportional to how difficult it is to clean the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the
case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length
of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a
position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is
possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about
any countertop, that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good
and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire
for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of
napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will
come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at
the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her
embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional
to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus
the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cats interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the
amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach
escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't
Matter.
Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile
away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.
Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant
from each other, and equidistant from the center of the
room.
Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see
them.
Law of Space-Time Continuum
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort
of the lap she occupies.

Law of Cat Probability (Cat's Uncertainty Principle)
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the
probability of where she "might" be.
Law of Doors
If the humans are trying to keep the cat in, the cat will get
out, if they are trying to keep the cat out, the cat will get
in.
Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.

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