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Just Fur Fun: Animal
Humor
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- A frog, a bear, and a rabbit...
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- One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking
down to a water hole. The forest was so big that the
frog had never seen another animal in all his life.
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- By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit
to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to
stop. The frog said "Because you are the only
two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three
wishes. Bear, you go first."
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- The bear thought for a minute, and being the male
he was, said "I wish for all bears in this forest,
besides me, to be female." For his wish, the
rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put
it on.
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- The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit,
wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second
turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears
in the next forest were female as well."
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- Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped
on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked
that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things;
after all he could have asked for money and bought
the motorcycle.
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- For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and
then said, "I wish that all the bears in the
world, besides me, were female."
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- The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said
as he drove away,
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- "I wish that the bear was gay..."
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Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?- A: Because they have cotton balls.
- ****************************************************************************
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?- A: A cock that stays up all night.
- ****************************************************************************
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up
a horses butt?- A: A mechanic.
- ****************************************************************************
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Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods
when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind
a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said,
"Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"-
- To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into
her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and
pointed it at him and said, "No you're not!
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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Newspaper Ad-
- Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke
or drink.
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- What city has the largest rodent population?
- Hamsterdam.
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Mother: "What does the cow say?"- Child: "Moooo!"
- Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
- Child: "Meow."
- Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the
frog say?"
- And the wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up
at her mother and replied, "Bud."
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?- "How can you breathe through that?"
- ****************************************************************************
What did the elephant say to the naked man?- "It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with
it?"
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A mother and her young son returned from the grocery
store and began putting away the groceries. The boy
opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all
over the table.-
- "What are you doing?" his mother asked.
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- "The box says you can't eat them if the seal
is broken," the boy explained. "I'm
looking for the seal."
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A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.
He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take
his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt."-
- His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
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A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's
going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op
and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies.-
- A week later the man returns and says, "Give
me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
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- Again, a week later the man returns. This time he
says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
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- "Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You
must really be doing well!"
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- "Naw," said the man with a sigh, "I'm
either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
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David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot
was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive. Those that
weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.-
- David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and
was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music,
anything he could think of to try and set a good example...
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- Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird
yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got
more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of
desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
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- For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick
and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a
sound for half a minute.
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- David was frightened that he might have hurt the
bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot
calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude
language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct
my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your
forgiveness."
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- David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude
and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic
change when the parrot continued, "May I ask
what the chicken did?"
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An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into
a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily
a farmer happened by with his big old horse named
Benny. The man asked for help. -
- The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So
he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's
car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull."
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- Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on,
pull Ranger."
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- Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really
loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny
just stood.
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- Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny,
pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
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- The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked
the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name
three times.
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- The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if
he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't
even try."
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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough
neighborhood late at night trying to impress each
other about how tough they are.-
- The first mouse downs a shot of scotch, slams the
shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and
says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie
on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the
bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench
press it 100 times."
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- The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila.
He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds
the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice
and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison,
I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the
morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it
- in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the
rest of the day."
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- The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to
the third mouse.
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- The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to
the first two, "I don't have time for this crap.
I gotta go home and screw the cat."
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State Of Montana Grizzly Bear Notice
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- In light of the rising frequency of recent human/grizzly
bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish
and Game is today advising hikers, hunters, and
fisherman to take extra precautions and keep alert
for bears while in the field.
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- We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little
bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears
that aren't expecting them. We also advise the
outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in
case of an encounter with a bear.
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- It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh
signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should also
recognize the difference between black bear and
grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller
and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear poop, however, is much larger, has
pieces of fabric and little bells in it and smells
like pepper.
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PETRIFIED PARROT-
- A man holding a parrot came running and screaming
into a veterinarian's office. The vet immediately
brought him into an examining room. The vet carefully
examined the parrot, and then said to the man, "I'm
sorry, but this bird is dead."The man began to
cry, "No! No! That can't be true! I want another
opinion."
The vet thought a second, then said, "okay,"
and left for the back office. He returned with a
Black Labrador retriever. The Black Lab sniffed
and sniffed the bird, finally letting out a low
"woof" sound and looking up at the vet.
The vet said to the man, "The dog thinks that
the bird is dead too."
The man said, "I don't believe it! I want
another opinion!"
The vet then left with the Black Lab and came back
with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination
table. The cat walked over to the bird and sniffed
and nudged it again and again. Finally, the cat
shrugged its shoulders and walked away from the
bird. The vet said, "The cat thinks it's dead
too."
The man sighed and said, "I guess you're right.
How much do I owe you?"
The vet said, "That will be $600.00."
The horrified man said, "Six hundred bucks!
Just to tell me my bird is dead? That's ridiculous!
That's outrageous!"
The vet then said, "Well, I was going to charge
you $50.00, but then I had to include the Lab fees
and CAT scan."
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{copyright}
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